the echo loft

. hur hur .

Intelligence is so not in me.

Posted by Joanne at 23:47 | Permalink

I never quit trying.I never felt that I didn't have a chance to make a better me outta what i presently am. I always felt that i hadn't achieved what i wanted to achieve.I always felt I could get better.That's the whole incentive.

Perhaps I've lost a lot of such spirit over the years.It's Pretty disgusting to lose your own zest and drive in life altogether. I used to think that, a genius is an infinite capacity for taking life by the scruff of the neck. Somewhere along the way, life gets you shit low that you suddenly lose focus of what you've set out to achieve, forgetting what you really are made of. Im guilty of this. If my love hadn't reminded me for the ten thousandth times to quit this state of pessismissm i've mutated to become, i may essentially evolve to become quite a crestfallen child.

He makes me see things differently, always on the brighter note. Im capable of making him see things differently too, just that it's always an antithesis to his logic/principles. We're quite an all rounder, to think of it. As couple, we can see things in multitude perceptions! But nvm, im just too morbid to have an effect on him. Afterall, Enthusiasm and the state of happiness is contagious. So, i shall join my partner in crime to start an epidemic! hee. Love, you shall stop having to put up with a morbid gf. Wait! A tinge of it is good, at times. Yes? Just a tweeny weeny bit!

Since we're on this topic about yours sincrely, i might as well reflect about my current overall being as a person.
Apparently. I've always thought that being indecisive was part of me and hence part of anyone's life so long as you are related to me in any sense. I never really gave much thought into how it would actually affect people around me. To me, it was simple. When i can't decide on something, i just give myself the samegoddamnirritating excuse. That being " Im indecisive, that's why". Seriously, who cares about what you think Joanne! In retrospect, it's quite a selfish thought! How could i be so selfish? I've alwaysalways felt that i was kind. Sounds funny i know..the kind of cliche things which make your toes giggle. Nonetheless, i really think that im kind la. I knoe it sounds like an absolutely cliche virtue to possess but i genuinely am. Ok, darr boy can testify to that. Yes? So back to the topic on my indecisiveness. I've figured that it's an annoyance after so many years.That's how saddening? Then again, im not gona be a crestfallen child no more. My indecisiveness will potentially serve as a demise to my everlasting happiness. If that shall happen, how is it possible that i can start an epidemic with my loverboy? So for the larger good, it's time i wake up my ideas.

I only want to be who i am when i am with you. I don't want to grow old realising that the things i regret are the things i didn't do right. Mistakes are inevitable, but there is no mistake so great as the mistake of not righting my wrongs. Afterall, there are no victories at bargain prices. Im just SO willing baby. To acquire a brand new mentality.

Will you start the epidemic with me?

Posted by Joanne at 22:13 | Permalink

On days like this, you just wish to squeeze those glands in your eyes dry, somehow.*shrugs* How could anyone manage my thoughts, if i've had much difficulties ironing them out myself? *shrugs*. Perhaps,after all, im not as predictable as most would agree. I never really believed that girls can be THAT predictable, or we'll not be the fairer sex. Agree?

As always,im always articulating unconstrutive or detestful words to people around me, or to whomever it may concern. I never seem to say the wrong word right. We collide. Whenever i try to reaccess the situation, it only seems that i get myself into a deeper trench,soon enough realising that im in a cauldron of burning emotions. I tend to shoot myself right in my foot and make hell outta the shit i create. Amazing.

My wish will never be your command.So what am i suppose to infer from that? I certainly hope that im not forcing anyone to do anything they deem abhorring. I would like to think that my wishes will never match up to you only because i am naive and overly idealistic.(yes naive, you didn't read wrongly.) Mostly, that's the case. There's a big problem with the girl here,an idealist. It's ironic how morbid people are ideal. Yet, it's possible with me.

Yearning for some form of palatable appeasement isn't too much to ask for, i thought. Just that, over and over again, i thought wrong. To make things worse, i haven't learnt from my "mistake" .Has it ever occured to you that i may not necessary see it as a "mistake"? I think it did but maybe we operate on different ideologies and mechanisms. As such, you always remind me of that fucking sentence that i very much detest. Very much. Even so, im always back calling on you.And there's only one reason for that. Who'll really know what it is?

Then at the end of the day, although with so much of bloodshed(though not literally), Im only more perfect, just knowing that , you're still here.

So much, i just wonder if im making someone else's life miserable.

Posted by Joanne at 00:25 | Permalink

Last semester, i was overjoyed to be accepted for German LPP . Then in the beginning of this year, i was half hearted about continuing with German level 2000 due to the fact that i was afraid of its difficulty.So i stupidly dropped out of LPP, to think it wasn't that easy to get into it in the first place! Afraid. Yes, i very much am.Of almost everything that is associated with it. From the upcoming application for Language Immersion , to SEP in Germany ,to the application of EDB Academic Exchange Award or the DAAD-NUS LIA immersion award fot that matter of fact .There's so many choices to make.


I just spoke to Dad about my problem.He encourages me to continue with my third language since i've never really accomplished anything great for myself.To think of it,i've never done him proud in any aspects of my life. In his words, im always 'half pass six'. Whatever that is suppose to imply. He told me that i'll probably have to fork out my own if i were to go on immersion too. That, i can probably sought help on my own via the award.
If i were to go immersion, i would continue with my next 2 German modules(which i think will bring me to my death bed faster.) and that'll enable me to apple for the EDB scholarship. Nothing is ever easy so screw the "its gonna be hard" mentality. And if i'll gladly accept all the difficulty that comes along. Consequently it'll make my decsion to apply for the EDB schlarship a lot easier. This scholarship is goddamn attractive.

So what's my problem?

Ok i guess it's pretty obvious what my problem is and i needn't spell it out in words. I would like to think that things will remain the same blah blah blah but hell it wont because at this age, like what my sister said, commitment is a major problem. And i'll second that idea. No doubts about it. Even if i were to give my word to him..ok nvm i probably dowan to hear what he has to say to me.When reality smacks itself right in your face, i'll only fool myself silly not to acknowledge it. It'll be dumb to keep myself alive in denial as well.

Ah well. You may ask me why am i thinking so far? Then let me ask you ,Will you believe me if i do not have commitment issues? When i think about how in say 4years time you part to further your studies elsewhere, i cringe and tell myself, its another 4 years. Hell that's a pretty long time more to go but trust me, there's a part of me that dread it. Yet, "beholding the moment and shutting out thoughts of everlastingness" seems like a reality i have to accept, with much disgust and hatred. Very distasteful indeed. What to do? Im in
it, even if there were a way out of it, i'll never bear to. Never.

After so much of ranting, i have arrived at null conclusion. Im fantastic. I have a way of ranting so much and not solving the necessary. Maybe after all, i never intended to solve it.Because in the end, my heart's not with me anymore. It'll never be returned in full since i've already fallen, so hard and deeply.

My wish right now?

To go on SEP USA.
Very unlikely for you, just a very likely dream i hold so dearly.


I only wish upon for a miracle.

Posted by Joanne at 16:25 | Permalink

There's a cute boy in front of me now!!

Studying in the library has been fruitful the past 2days , including today.
There's always the eye candy that i used to steal glances at a couple of months ago.
He's still my eyecandy.
Just that now,
I no longer steal glances.
I steal kisses!
(ok i was joking)

In retrospect, i wonder if i should have let him remain as an eyecandy.
So that at least, studying in the library has the added excitement of doing illegal acts like stealing glances at him.
But, Im so retarded.
I still steal glances at him!

He may not be the most suave,
but he's the most charming, to me.
He may not be the most charming,
but he sweeps me off my feet.

MINE, ALL MINE!


Back to Basics..
Kalat's 'Introduction to Psychology'
MCQ test tmr.
How exciting...
Not.

Posted by Joanne at 18:43 | Permalink

Good morning world.
Im feeling a little sick today! I want my bed!
Its bloody mid term break now.

I've finished .

(My loverboy, he's very sweet.
I'll tell you why soon.

Now, i need to go make a german film.)

Posted by Joanne at 09:17 | Permalink

My received Birthday Presents ...

Victoria Secrets Lingerie
Ripples Slippers
White Bohemian looking top
Zara Denim Skirt
Zara Tshirt
OTO Health belt
Ferragamo 'Incanto Dreams' Perfume
New Urban Male top
Pretty Earrings
A stalk of Sunflower

So blissful!

Posted by Joanne at 23:23 | Permalink

Girl Turned 20

You who have contributed to the 'Make-Joanne-Happy' project, Im grateful. =) It was too heartwarming to be true for having 3 celebrations in a day! Im so blessed, i cannot believe this! =)

So here goes the Thank You Speech from girl turned 20...

Firstly, My German Lecturer baked me a cake and i had a mini celebration during German Class today! I felt so young all over again! It reminded me of one of those many kindergarten celebrations every PAP kid experienced.
So, my class of 31 students had to queue up to shake their hands with me and say 'Herzlichen Gluckwunsch zum Geburtstag' (Happy Birthday) to me.They sang me birthday song in German too. How cool is that? Never had i dared to dream of something so cute to happen on my 20th bday..in NUS!!! Not forgetting,the cake which Frau Very baked was a superbly pleasant German marble cake! Theres so much reason to continue level 3000 German, all of a sudden! (im kidding myself,German is probably the most difficult language to learn la!)

What a joy it was to have CSS peeps celebrating my bday in renowed The Deck .haha. I'd really a wonderful time at Arts Corner(just in case anyone is wondering, its the lao di fang/hangout spot of CSS arts pple but anyone is welcome!) , a place i've been quite out of touch with since the start of this sem. Thank you CSS Arts..there's always a part of me with you people despite my unusually busy schedule! =) Thanks for the Victoria Secret Lingerie, the top,the slippers, the Sunflower and the chocolate marshmellowsss. SPECIAL gratitude to Miss Adeline Ng and Mr Jonathan Lee for coming to sch on their FREE day to celebrate with me. I owe you two my life right? =)

Lastly and most importantly, my date!
It turned out to be a romantic birthday dinner. The most romantic dinner i've ever had in my 20years. I was in awe, really! For a moment( more like the whole dinner) , i couldn't stop smiling and it was quite embarrassing. My birthday dinner treat at Indochine Waterfront was literally a dream come true! I dont know how else i can better put my feelings into words but it was magical. Often, whatever that is magical is difficult to be expressed in words. Imagine a candle light dinner in front of a colonial style building , by the Singapore River . I know Singapore River isn't exactly the most fantastic river but make do with Singpaore's one and only river which it takes pride in .Now imagine Alfresco dinner. Get the picture? Please do! I was just telling Amanda a few months back when we were standing in front of Asian Civilisation Museum that i would love to haf a colonial style wedding with all the white tentage. Now, i think my date has just brought me a multitude of steps closer to that dream. He's really quite skiled in making girls go weak in their knees..and his megawatt smile electricfies me ! " Its nice to see a morbid girl smile so much and your happiness makes me happy." I know its cliche but admit it, theres a part in us which love cliche things. Besides, things only become cliche because its popular and well liked!

This boy had sneakily invited my friends to surprise me.He lied to me! Ok fine it was a white lie..but still, you know im just damn gullible. *grins*
Thanks Joyce,Jo & Nic! Thanks for begging the security guard at Zara to let you guys in to get my present. You guys always go through such GREAT lengths for me. =) What would i be without all of you? See, we're such good friends that they give presents with pricetags on too. HAHA. Well Well.. i so love you guys to bits!

but i love my bf too!


Thanks Darr!
For all that, i'll try to be less irritating to you =p


...but i really love to irritate you =p


CSS Arts..Where beautiful people meet!


Can you see my date? Very charming rite?



a little backdated. Our humble celebration for Valentine's day. See right, to have a gf whose birthday falls 2days after Vday, you really need to think thrice dating her. haha. Game enough?
Sweet eh? Just look at my flowers!




Darr's Birthday..which was a week ago. =) I have no idea why the picture looks so tiny. February is a busy month for us!
I thought my idea would blow his mind.It probably did. Just tt i din expect him to blow mine up too!

Posted by Joanne at 00:40 | Permalink

Ageing is becoming a reality.
I kept forgetting that tomorrow is the 20 years ago i made my first cry known to the world!
So strange So strange So strange!
How can anyone forget her birthday?
Maybe forget is too strong a word. I would say that birthdays for me have in recent years been losing its charm and they sort of fail to induce any sense of pre-birthday excitement in me no more.
Awhile ago(im deceiving myself by using the word 'awhile') , i couldn't wait to grow up and have a larger numerical age. That was because when i was younger, i never once looked my age.Everyone had always guessed me to be between 2-4 years older than i actually was. How sad was that? Hence, I always wanted to grow up so that i can finally look my age.When i hit 18, a lot of things i used to do when i was 16 or 17 seemed horribly uninteresting all of a sudden. A year later, i was grumbling that it was the last year i'll ever ever in my lifetime have a '1' in front of my age. Now, im 1.5hours away from dreadful 20.

Some things never change though. Every child ( i am a child!) wishes for presents!*winks*
I never believed anyone when they say , ' No, dont buy present!'. Liar! Im no liar, here's some material wishes i have in mind =)
- $79 Denim Skirt with purple thread from Zara
-'Play With Me' Green tshirt from Zara
-New 2006 Papillo footware
-Lingerie, lots of nice Lingerie! The MORGAN lacy pink and black bra is sucha turn on la.
- It's really not very expensive , i really like it. A COACH "J" charm key chain @ http://www.coach.com/aspx/content/product.aspx?product_no=3124&category_id=73 or the other charm that i want is @ http://www.coach.com/aspx/content/CollectionListAll.aspx?categoryId=73
-COACH is just pretty affordable still so here is another of my favourite from the Poppy collection!http://www.coach.com/aspx/content/product.aspx?category_id=287&product_no=7962

For the moment, I am gona bed.
Its damaging to the state of my mind cos im turning older !
Im not psychologically prepared to face it.


I know i sound very silly.

Posted by Joanne at 22:27 | Permalink

It's fluking 1am.
Eyes are infected.
Throat's hurting so badly.
Periodic stomachaches.
My mind was a blank.
I was so cold.
The lift took longer than usual.
Cats trailed after me.
The night, dark and eerie.
The driver was queer.

And at times like this, I just thank God for loyal bestfriend, accompanying me through the ride via handphone.
What would have happened if my handphone died on me?
what would happen if ..

Knowing that I had anticipated such episodes,
I can only blame myself for not knowing how to say "no" to you.
Because with days,
I just find myself even harder to turn you down.

I used to do it alone.
I admit i bore heartbeats which were sky-high.
But I knew i brought myself to it, so who cares?
Perhaps, i just dislike having to be fooled into thinking that you'll eventually awake for me.
Perhaps, i just dislike having my confidence raised and crashed in a matter of minutes.
Cos when you fall asleep,
I could never find this confidence again.

When the day ended,
i found myself feeling all ___ up(fill in your own blanks)
Tucking myself to bed.
Telling myself that,
There's always a better tomorrow.


On nights like this,
You wished it was only a nightmare.
Wishes.
Oh well..they DO COME TRUE.
Just that the bad ones always happen to me.
Ok don't be so absolute with the 'always'.

but...
I thought it did last week?


I was so right about it.

Posted by Joanne at 01:10 | Permalink

A word that never fail to be against me. I shouldn't be obliged to do anything which i strongly feel against doing but there is a voice in built which pushes me to agree, without realising that i do not live in a world of my own and that i have others to answer to. I always find it difficult to reject people because, you never know when you need others' help. True? Therefore, do unto others what you want others to do unto you. The probelm with me is that, i agree to everything simultaneously, forgetting that i've given my promises to another party earlier on. What am i to do?Deal with it and stop avoiding the problem. I want to, with every inch of my sincerity. It's just that, i cannot bear to reject anyone because i have an image to uphold,one which is already not fantabulous. Rejection is the worst feeling ever. Up till now, i haven't caome to a conclusion to my problem. Why is it so difficult to be who i really wana be? It's simple. I only wana help everyone, agree to everything/everyone but i have my constraints. Then again, i thought the sky is the limit?

I value your opinions, your concerns and all which mean well. I wana please everyone when its obviously inconceivable. Yet,words synonmy to "lies" have been resounding in my drums.Now i concur, im only hopeless in dealing with promises. I thought i could maintain this record of being trusthworthy.Perhaps the record is still there, I've tarnished it, just slightly. Make me believe it!

Im STILL too ideal even as i am about to turn 20 in 2 days time.My wisdom sems to be in situ . I thought i've grown to be wiser, i thought i could make decisions for myself. I thought i was trusty to all out there.I thought that life is simple if i just lead my life as a catholic my parents taught.Well ,simple as it is,maybe i've slightly screwed it up along the way. It's never too late, im just never too early.

I've thought wrong.
I want to please everyone, still.

Posted by Joanne at 23:58 | Permalink

It's ironic how people dread turning a year older and yet at the same time , celebrate it. K that was the cynical girl, probably a spillover effect from the 2005 Joanne who was leading single simple life. This year, ok im not imagining that i'll be in fairyland. Just that at least i know Mr Brad Pitt will just be there. It's really about just being there. Friends are important too but i think everyone is busy and we'll never hear the end of it aiight? See, Mid Sem Break is starting next friday. Can you believe it? Everyone, deadlines for Term Papers are welcoming us !

Anyhow,Joanne's Mr Brad Pitt is a horrible numerical age of 22 yesterday! ( Read: Numerical.haha. He's a big kid! ) The Beach Side Romance/Party i planned for Mr Brad Pitt was a..thumbs up! Right Mr Pitt? =P Well i don't know how many thumbs up he gave me but i would only consider it 1? My "Happy Birthday" deco simply refused to stick to the tent so i kinda wasted my effort of 30mins. Afraid it will get on to the tealight candles, I decided to scrape the idea of putting it up as much as it would add to the atmosphere. This is to avoid headlines like "Girl 20 burnt to death in tent on Boyfriend's Birthday"! Ah well , Im glad everything went well and it was all a pleasent surprise for him! In my record, i tend to give my surprises away! =)

Looking back, it wasn't just another memory.
I hope.
Touching someone's heart feels angelic =)

So I've become one!

Posted by Joanne at 12:15 | Permalink

and i could gaze so high upon this
because im mersmerized by you.
and i could get closer to the stars
when our heart beats as one.
and i could save my love for you
even with the constraints i face.
and i could bear the darkness twice
despite the fear, so much of it.
and i could hold you so tight
because we'll never be wrong together.

every now and then i get a little nervous
every now and then i get a little terrified
every now and then i get a little weary
every now and then i get a little torn
every now and then i fall apart.

but i cannot hide nor escape

because i could do all that hurting even more
especially to know the unpredictable nature of all things
and that i may consequently lose all
including myself.

and everytime i wana right my wrongs
i just hurt myself even more.
and everytime i wana unfeel all these
it breaks my heart to know it'll never be possible.

Every now and then i fall apart.
Nothing i can do.
Because i am always somewhere in the middle.

Posted by Joanne at 12:10 | Permalink

A friend and i was walking home last night and he told me that a particular someone would make a good bf. I didn't believe him . Today, i saw it for myself. As much as there are antagonistic thoughts i hold, the bulk of it is no doubt truly reflective of how it feels like to be in love. Either he is gifted with literary expressions or his heart just feels more than most guys do.ha. Anyhow, after reading his write up(which you can find on the CSS website), it got me thinking much..again.

As written, the 10 commandments of Love is..
Joy
Colourful
Life-giving
Patient
Giving
Self-defined
Strengthening
Beautiful
True
Hurt

So i'd agree with all the above but not quite with the last. If love has to hurt, then it ain't love. The author has it that,if it ain't hurt, it ain't love. I would like to believe that as much as i love enough to be able to endure the hurt, hurting ain't a pre-requisite to love someone. Because if it is, then we're really fools for love. Don't you think? Would you wana even begin hurting someone you claim to hold dear? I can hardly make sense out of it . We build our own definition and perception for love yet if such is what we've come up with, then many of the above commandments will not hold water. It just seems like all the 10 commandments will then have a domino effect on each other. True?

So if we self define our own way of loving someone..then we do not hurt them, so that we can
find Joy in loving someone.Thereby, working towards a Colourful story of 2 individuals so that time can come to a standstill for those Beautiful moments. In the event that we falter,love will show us Patience, Strengthening us through our worst. This makes love more than just giving because it is Life-giving. That, tells me love is True.


Would you believe me?

Posted by Joanne at 23:24 | Permalink