the echo loft

i love HER! Just when i was feeling super lousy about myself...the conversation made me smile!

[mandy] says:
anne u pretty u smart u nice u kind.u petty u irritating u neh neh.

[mandy] says:
u are proud..but so?u are feeling guilty now wad.tts a sign tt u're LESS proud alr rite?sign tt u're on ur way to changing rite?at least u admit tt u're proud.ppl dun change overnight.dun xim peh.u are okay.u are not e nastiest bitch ard.n not e most xim peh.n not e most insecure.n not e most superficial n spoilt.
darren's good for u. he'll make u a better person.u'll slowly grow n learn n become a better person lor.dun fret.darren still loves u n he can ACCEPT that.he UNDERSTANDS.n tts what makes him a BETTER bf.

Im glad she made me feel so good about myself, and i ernestly hope for the best to happen to her. *hugs* I would have rot in my own world of nothingness if it weren't for her enlightenment. Sometimes, there are somethings, that some people just do not see it. What would i do without her?

Im someone who cannot accept imperfections and it never really occured to me that i was that flawed until now. I never saw so much flaws in myself .That, is probably one of the most anachronistic view i have about myself. Perhaps, people never really see the bad in themselves nor their bestfriends, but so much more in their significant other. And mine has been open to many of my chao kuan-ness. Isnt it such a screw up that the person you're trying to impress and love with all your might is also the very person that is pointing out your flaws in your face? How apt? *shrugs*

When he just sees through you, the stubbornness.
When he just sees through you, the pride.
When he just sees through you, the lies you intend to fabricate.

And because im entitled to my own thoughts, am i stubborn?
And because im entitled to my own thoughts, am i proud?
And because im entitled to my own thoughts, am i selfish?

You said, everything was me myself and i. Why allow my bane to cloud our logics. My bane is not the only reason for my existence. My exposure made me stronger in perspective, but weaker in my quest to be the person i thought i was, the good person i've imagined to be. I have mistaken myself to be someone i've imagined. Someone i've always been proud of, someone whom you first fell in love with.

Im sorry, i've been deluded.
You; you've been mistaken because of my delusion.
Now all i can muster from what good is left of me is that, i hope it only gets better.

Posted by Joanne at 01:26 | Permalink

Exams are a week away. I am just depressed that i am fat ugly and stupid. Why am i not surprised to see another C in this sem's results? Sigh. I am so stressed out by the people closest to me. Its so sickening that some people are a natural, they amplify my very low intelligence to a much greater extent. That just sucks. It doesn't help that i have an inferiority complex. I do not understand why i am performing the way i am. It's not like i didn't put in effort.

Maybe he's right about how i should just take things easy and perhaps everything will be turned around better for me. So my CAP isn't everything. They do not determine my success in life. My consent but only does so much for me. I know that that wont convince my folks. Their mentality has very much been etched in the conservative and conventional route. But i am studying for myself, it's my life. There is only that much they can interfere, right? I am only that smart. Im sorry.

I cannot even determine for myself what i would like to do with my life. Im kind of afraid to face the future. How? Im afriad i'll become some residue of society. Afterall, people belittle my kinda degree and i am put in an environment whereby even the people who are the closest to me question my paper qualifications. I would love to become entrepreneurial but that takes a shit load of courage. No one said life is easy. So what was i thinking?

Sigh. At the end of the day, Ritter Sport Yoghurt chocolates, Oreos with milk, Andes Mint chocolates, Kong Guan Sulatana biscuits still find its way to comfort me. So sinful but it provides psychological healing! That's where the fat ugly and stupid mentality sets in.

Posted by Joanne at 00:04 | Permalink

Sometimes they look abit like scones, sometimes like muffins. Taste abit like rock or sometimes just overly cinnamon-ed. They are none other than HOT CROSS BUNS!! Well baking overnight on wed was superbly fun! And i've also realised that my favourite form of food is super difficult to bake ! Seems like im very far from my entrepreneurial dreams( i imagine i have one? I imagine a lot.) Thanks the baking people of Seletar! It was sucha wonderful bonding sesssion! Thanks for the Bens and Jerrys, the Kettle Chips, the Burnt Buns which ade and i greedily consumed, Mark's chicken rice, steph's competent leadership, Moses and Netto's seiveing, jon's yeast-ing technique, and me...My Holy presence! Of course we must thank mr cheng for kindly providing transportation for us!


Big Boys DO Bake! Jon, Netto, Moses and Magic!




yay! Our sleepy faces. Picture is a bit big cos erm..i cannot seem to scale it down since my pretty ibook do not possess a photoshop.

Posted by Joanne at 22:54 | Permalink

Today, Fr Paul told me i was lazy after my confession. Then he gave me a cute old-man smile and went on saying that , "a lazy person rolls in bed". I found it quite funny!Maybe because it's just Fr Paul? To think of it, my laziness is selective .With that, im ashamed to know that im a living dead Catholic. My selective laziness includes selectively forgetting to pray at night. On the contrary, even if i were physically worn out but there's something like mango/zara sale, i would probably not allow my selective laziness to get the better of me. If only i could channel my positive energy into everything that i do, especially in my pseudo pathetic prayer life. I always believed in giving my ALL in the things that i do. Sometimes(actually many atimes), whatever i do just ain't enough. I still fail, still fall short of my expectations, still the pathetic person that i am. So afterall, am i better off rolling in bed? *shrugs* . Others fill and feel themselves up with faith and they hold it with so much of conviction. Me? I can be doing the same thing but somehow i never fail to fail. Am i that pathetic? Honestly, i know i am not( i do think very highly of my abilities). Unfortunately, when reality smacks itself right in your face, its difficult not to feel like i do. *shrugs*

Coincidentally, many people came talking to me on msn tonight about many many things.Even People i hardly talk to came knocking at my doors. Friends really do wonders to my life. By that, of cos there's no surprise that im referring to css peeps. There's so much warmth and love in every of them and i feel so happy whenever i am around them. I must admit that i've probably been MIA and not see them as frequently as i did before, yet with them, i still feel comfortable and genuine in their presence . No facades nor pretense. Then again, sometimes i kinda feel guilty that i do not hang out with them as often as i would love to. Ah well, they are keepers and friends i for life. I hope they will forgive my inadequacy!

Moving on,this week sounds like a good time to start my career as a full-time student who camps in the library. Then again, this week is also Holy Week and i think i have many many activities going on. From baking hot cross buns to 4am(according to steph!) to sedar meal on thurs to good friday mass amd finally EASTER! Easter used to be so fun back in ij primary whereby i tried very hard to find the easter egg in the treasure hunt. I tried for 6 years and i never won once! But oh! i won the 'design Easter hat' comepetition before..i've just revealed a talent that does not show in my face ..=) Easter makes me happy, i hope mr and mrs lim will bring me somewhere nice to celebrate Easter this year. Our discussion stopped at eating my mom's cooking. Er...

Posted by Joanne at 23:45 | Permalink

I'd wish i never entered the seminar room 4 hours ago.
The end-result would have been the same regardless.
For my mind's willing but my flesh is weak.
Why?

Posted by Joanne at 12:00 | Permalink

Your true color is Orange!


What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

but i like purple! haha. Anyway, its quite true about me.i think? Seems like what i studied about 'Personality' in psych is coming true.

At this moment, im quite annoyed with the way NUSSU works.
At this moment, i question their intelligence.
At this moment, im suppose to be studying for my german.(that makes 4 modules for exams!)
At this moment, i want a keyboard pad and laptop cleaner because staring at my black ibook is disturbing.
At this moment, i just want my cramps to subside..

*Mut Zür Lücke*
Ich liebe Deutsch aber Deutsch liebe nicht mich. Ich bin unglücklich uber mein Studium. Das ist sehr schlect. Warum warum warum? Ich habe schon alles meine hausaufgabe gemacht! Habe ich dumm?ich können meine Fähigkeit kennen. Vielliecht ist "Mut Zür Lücke" gute idee!


That was so random but i just felt like doing some justice to the language i've been learning for a year. I suspect if a native speaker chances upon this paragraph, he might be disgusted to learn about the misuse of his language!

Posted by Joanne at 13:37 | Permalink

Its my first time at UCC and there's a nice DOME with yummy chicken fajita tortilla and my favourite snack, sliced biscotti!! I don't understand why boyfriend don't understand why i spent $4.50 on it. NICE WHAT. ha.

By the way, im only blogging now to destress him. Since i am ahead of him , i shall be the nice person that i've always been and wait for him to catch up. =)

Today's also a special day. Maybe it means peanut to many, but its certainly another milestone in my relationship.

" Four is the number of months we have been together, Four is the number of letters in the word love. Four is for 4eva.Four is the number of kisses i will give you tmr, The end, I love you."


can get diabetes, right? ha

Posted by Joanne at 17:30 | Permalink

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna die lying in your arms

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna be looking in your eyes

I wanna be there for you

Sharing everything you do

I wanna grow old with you

Posted by Joanne at 02:36 | Permalink

" Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted us to our mate--the most valuable thing the relationship gave us initially--and the primary components of our jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed the shadow of love.

Furthermore, it's a reminder that we didn't just happen to be in this relationship--we chose to be in it. Something in us attracted us to our mate. Something in us makes us experience jealousy the way we do. That something is our romantic image.

It is important to differentiate "normal" from "delusional" jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in a real threat to the relationship; delusional jealousy persists despite the absence of any real or even probable threat.
The good news is this: By recognizing the signs of romantic jealousy, by realizing what feelings are normal and abnormal, and by examining the roots of our jealous feelings, we can effectively learn to cope with it by changing our behavior. Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship."

Posted by Joanne at 00:46 | Permalink

The past 2 weeks has been mega major hectic.The hours of sleep i've put together is countable with my fingers. It may not be the worst i've experienced but im ageing fast. I need my eye shut( which is what i should be doing right now) or else i'll have ageing complexion and i don't quite want the last saving grace of my overall image to go down the drains too.

Essays and projects are so detrimental to my health..my complexion..my family life.. my social life..and love life! Love life because for the obvious reason that i had 2 assignment due in the past week with mr cheng. I think we're a very angsty couple when put together to do proj/essays.Im amazed that we didn't kill each other in the process. Then again,with a peaceful, forgiving and almost bully-able girl , how wrong can we get?

Seriously la. When there's so little sleep involved, its SO EASY to lose your cools, especially on the people closest to you. I guess cos you EXPECT them to understand. Then again, never EXPECT. You don't want to disappoint yourself too much. Well, that's a policy i used to acquire and i happen to think it pisses a lot of people off cos i give them no benefit of doubt. Maybe, at some point in my life, i gave it all away? Isn't it better to not expect? So that at times when you least expect something good to happen, i would like to believe its a superb feeling!

Oh well bak to the topic, I never knew that NUS could have this effect on me. To think it's a world-class university. *grins* Well, the semester is just about to pass me by and im 26 days to exams. So that makes it 26days to freedom. EXCITING! Time is such a scary concept. I could never get hold of it. If i could, it would be when mine has stopped on me, right there in my coffin? Ok sounds really morbid.

Anyhow, despite all the hecticness, some people never fail to bring smile to me..
- Ivan for lending me his extra German Text from his immersion prog, which is super power.
- Mum for food food and more food.
- Jon for a nice catching up session on bus 67
- Dad for his printing services and wonderful jokes.
- Frau Verry for kindly replying to my email almost instantaneously about my Assignment.
- Shiva for cracking me up with our dirty little secrets about Darr..heehee.
- Mrs Cheng for her wonderful ulcer medcine and liang cha.
- Darr for his Brand's Essence of Chicken with America Ginseng. ( i tried very hard to exclude him in this list..haha) and his ever loyal service to me..haha..shuttling me home on rationed petrol! ( I really tried v ery hard!)

Posted by Joanne at 01:40 | Permalink

Its disgusting how there are so many losers in this era which i live in. Losers who make prank calls, losers who sexually harrass me and what have you. What the hell is wrong with these people? Seriously. The worst thing is that, it has caused me potential conflict. As much as it's my bad that i cannot distinguish my boyfriend's voice from that of a silly lecher, those shitheads shouldn't even be disturbing me in the first place! *shrugs* I've a major problem to deal with, no not with these lechers. Rather, i desperately need to learn to recognise my boyfriend's voice, distinguishing it from others. Its quite ashaming to know, its been a good half a year ,yet i possess no ability to do the aforementioned. Worst, i actually thought that he was the prankster, on BOTH occasions. So much about once bitten twice shy. Im not a very fitting description for that. *shrugs* Im so disappointed that he's disappointed but i've only got myself to blame. It is annoyingly bugging me that these 2 incidents happened within 2 weeks of each other. Imagine having people calling at 2am in the morning ,

Lecher: Hello, you're not asleep?
Me: No, i just lied down only dear.You sound quite bad, you ok?( concerned tone)
Lecher: No..i need it.
Me: HUuH? go sleep dear, its late.
Lecher: No im not ok, can you do me a favour?
Me: Why dear?
Lecher:Can you tell me what you are wearing now?(in a tone like as if he was masturbating)
Me: huh?(at this point i got suspicios)
Lecher:What are you wearing now? I need you.
Me: Hello? Hello? Hello?( i 'hello hello' to have an excuse to hang up, why did i even bother!?)

Sick like crap right? To think i thought it was my boyfriend playing a prank on me. *Sigh*. How not to be disappointed? Before i hung up with Darr that night, he was super tired and sickly, why on earth would he prank call me at 2am? Why weren't my brains thinking?So after that incident, i was deeply traumatised. I told myself that, i should live on with life and that, there's a world of desperate ti ko peks out there. Hell no..last night, something freaky happened, at 2am AGAIN. My sis wasn't in the room AGAIN.

Stranger: Hello Joanne? (wtf, he knows my name!)
Me:hello..
Stranger: Not sleeping yet?(why do they like to ask this same stupid qn?)
Me: er no la, i just got on my bed.(why do i always answer this?)
Stranger: haha..you know who i am not?
Me: DeaR? er..darren cheng! (convinced it was Darren, i actually sounded cheerful!)
Strangr: Darren? Who is that?
Me: My boyfriend la! eh you're Darren right?
Stranger: No, im Justin.
Me: Huh? from where?
Stranger: From your school, NYJC. RMB?you're Joanne right? From Drama right?(a bit freaked out)
Me: er..ya...er...eh no no..not from Drama( Actually i was but i wanted confuse him cos i was shocked that he knows information about me and i duno who the hell he is!)
Stranger: Oh you are not? hmmm ok.
Me :Who are you? Are you gona tell me? I am gona call police( yes i told him that.)
Stranger:Haha..call police? Chill. I told you i am Justin from NY. I was from rugby.
Me: You were? ok name me other players from rugby?( fuck, what was i thinking?)
Stranger: Don't want.

Freaking hell. Im trying my best not to swear my vulgarities away here. But this is dammit irritating.

I CANT BELIEVE I ENTERTAINED A LECHER. I CANT BELIEVE I THOUGHT I WAS ENTERTAINING DARR!

Posted by Joanne at 00:30 | Permalink