the echo loft

DAY 3

So Strong that..
i thought i saw you reaching out your arms to me in my dreams.

but i was running on a never ending path to hug you.

Far Away.

Posted by Joanne at 11:19 | Permalink

Missing a piece of myself.

a part of me died when you left.

Posted by Joanne at 03:58 | Permalink

Why is it that, i cannot do the things i wana do even when i think i am old enough to think for myself? Have you already wasted 20 years of upbringing me to a being of my own worth ?

sometimes i just feel like as if the people who saw me through 20 years of my life, they do not exactly know me as well as i thought they would.HAs it ever occured to these people that every individual is different and that i worth more than being meausured by my academic abilities? I wish i could shout into your face and tell u tt I HATE STUDYING and it's my life, i rule. Sometimes i feel like you really shouldn't scold me anymore cos i have a pride and seriously, it's not gona get to me if you scold me. Okie perhaps it wasn't a 'scolding' but if you could just say a little lesser, i would be a happier person. And sometimes, i wish i could just make you believe that i am someone who can be trusted and you should stop being so paranoid when i am not home. Your logic of 'When i am not home, im not studying? ' is so outdated.

Like it's of any use if i start revolting.
I'll just get a new adjective added to the list which describes me..which is, rebellious.

You're right.
I just want to do what i want, cos i am being myself.

Posted by Joanne at 03:11 | Permalink

Nothing will go wrong.
because you're my mummy.

MY MUMMY WILL BE ALRIGHT!

Gastrointestinal problem is a major issue in my maternal genes.
That, just sucks.

Despite all that, i duno why i am still not stick thin like my mother?
k i know that's besides the point but i wished i had a hotter bod? ok wishes..

Anyhow, i was just reading a few people's little virtual spaces and guilt just came flooding into my head. There are a few people whom i used to be closER than i am now to them but it seems like the situation is not quite what it was , presently. It's really just me, i have a heart which doesn't know how to decide when the time calls for it.

It always happens to me.

To whom it may concern.. I am as good a friend as I've always been and i promise i'll make time!

Time for school.
what a chore to travel to sch at 130pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

Posted by Joanne at 13:20 | Permalink

Darrane* , a crafted Sanctuary.

Once again, its the monthly issue on the darrane* updates.. Alright i will try to keep the infant issue short by *ahem* flaunting the face models of whom it may concern =) Our lives are more interesting than what cameras can capture actually, just that its difficlt to be your own photographer and model =p *beamsbeamsbeams*


::Super inaccessible and difficult to locate but the Seletar Airbase famous western cusine Restaurant is alotalot of my fat thumbs up! Buffalo Wings especially! Can you see my effort to take pictures of airplanes? A laid back but romantic hangout!::


::My Secret lover materialising my aspiration to be *ahem* a taitai.Absowonderfulutely pretty place!::


:: Heh.. We love the Zoo! Night Safari at 20years Old is so much more meaningful than if i were 2 ::

Posted by Joanne at 19:33 | Permalink

As much as i do not want to be leading my life such that i am dependent on one single constant factor, im probably already doing so.I am blessed that everything is the way it is, im very thankful that this constant factor is a constant in my life. Just that in real life, constants are not as mathematical as they are supposed to be. It doesn't mean that i've drawn a bad analogy too. Just that, when my constant is gon take a leave, i know i'll become so insignificant to my own world . By that, it just means a world of things. That, i have become a dependent constant to that constant. That, i see a reflection of myself only when that constant is physically with me. That, my world is only made more significant with his pressence.That, my world needs you, my constant. It means alotalotalot and it'll never be sufficient.Im half empty, i'll need this significance of my own world more than if i were half full.

In 6 days' time, this significance will fade off, only temporarily. Yet, I can hardly bring myself to face this reality.

A weakling, i am.

I was wondering how i could feel better?
I was wondering if i could evolve to be less of a dependent constant on him but more of a constant to him ?
I was wondering just how difficult loving someone is but it's difficult not because he is difficult to love, but because you put too much upon yourself that you complicate things?

Then again, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
I don't like to be easy.
but im not difficult either.

A significant world of my own--Would you come home quick,come home safe?

Posted by Joanne at 23:33 | Permalink

Today I need to make an annoucement.

Nerrad Cheng is lovely.

(okay..he just called and currently the gf is feeling retarded.She didn't connect his laptop adaptor to the electricity so it wasn't charged. Eh its a talent to be as retarded as i am!)

German tomorrow.
Exciting!
I know in 2 lesson's time, i will be whining about the difficulty of level 2.
Then again,challenges make me a better person.

yes?

Posted by Joanne at 00:42 | Permalink

For a huge girl like myself, I've got a seriously flawed immune system.
On average, I visit Mr & Mrs Doctor at least a month.

Im amazed.

I could attribute my discomforts to the monthly womanly bleeding which gives me ALOT of problems ranging from fever to bloatedness. So if my friends have been hearing a lot about me falling sick, it's really THAT time of the month. That just sucks. I cannot imagine if i were pregnant. I think i would encounter death at my margins.

Posted by Joanne at 00:41 | Permalink

I was only thinking about how when 2 people meet and are at the brink of falling, THAT feeling can never be relived once you've fallen and moved on to live a life together.
THAT feeling is always described with divinity and packed filled of magic .Afterall, magics do not happen forever and magics will always remain exclusive and transient. I've come to admit to the fact that, it really is magical only at the beginning.

Before i move on, i must disclaim first. Im only making a gerneral thought after reading a few people's blog. First person's experience here is not quite appropriate. Maybe it applies .Nonetheless, just to avoid any potential misnderstanding, i disclaim that it is not arrowing anyone.

Is there no other more sustainable way to get closer to someone you potentialy are interested in? By sustainable i hope that actions are not carried out for impressing purposes, words are not voiced for the same reason. Whispering the magical phrases and words into ears would only subsequently leave a deeper trench when we've all passed the beginning. It would pain so much to know all these at the beginning of the ending. By then, this beginning that we all are about to embark on is a beginning we never really saw coming at the initial beginning. Understand me as yet? i know you do.


So this beginning is everything but sweet/nice/magical/divine. We gradually grow to become more attached to one another and this attachment becomes a sort of life insurance. This growth of ours then transform us. It makes her handicap if she's not part of the game of love. It is also precisely when the attachment to him becomes her life insurance that she becomes handicapped, ever so readily.Especially when one of us do not see the need for all the sweet nothings no more, her paralysis becomes too apparent to handle. It's only then that she hides all these emotions in her because by now, the price is high. Think about this, would she wana lose her life insurance?

The saved sms of sweet nothings that sits quietly in the phone's inbox becomes treasury. When you become skeptical of his love, take it out to read because he probably won't nurse the insecurity/inferiority. Suddenly, assurance becomes tiring/routine/annoying because we've passed the beginning. It is painful how your charm can wear off in a matter of weeks/months?And she just wished she could remian stagnant at the beginning.

It didn't matter if it would only be a 'passing by' to her sense of hearing. She only wanted to hear it resounding , she only wanted your cleverly crafted msgs and words of love which had unfortunately left since the end of the beginning. Her heart could've avoided a plunge if she hand't been part of the experience in the beginning. If you could've stopped impressing her with your words.

She has paled in comparison to many aspects even after the assurances she got in the beginnings.This becomes detrimental to her psychological development. The girl's mental state of mind becomes so empty,so blank, without the fuzzywuzzy lovey feeling she used to encounter.

Perhaps, there's really no more urge and desire no more. The love's around, just the urge has vapourized. It's really not about wanting to HEAR it, its really about assuring someone you know who needs it. Afterall, you've decided to love this girl despite the difficulty to assure her.

If its nonchalance that's the evil here, who's to be trusted? If its complacency due to the present comfort level, then im sure it wouldn't hurt to tell her what she wana hear? If you're not the person for this, love must have blinded more than one of her five senses.

Where's the..
I wana hug you
I wana kiss you

Where's the..
"Goodnight, i love you and i miss you."

Where's the person she used to know.
Where's the person whose words sounded like a melody in her ears.
No, not sweet talkings.

Im just afriad I would let a day go buy without letting you know that ,
I love you.

I wished it could be resounded in my ears , too.

Posted by Joanne at 03:07 | Permalink

The importance of learning cannot be more emphasized as i age. There's something about aging and becoming wiser. Probably i am experiencing such seeing that i'll be calendar-ly older in abt a mth's time. The knowledge i possess is probably nullified. Today's the start of a new sem and as usual, im someone who cannot decide on my own feelings.Hence i don't exactly know how to articulate my feelings 'bout it. The friendly Joanne would love to say that she was happy to meet all the friends she saw in school. The Joanne who is a lovely gf would say that she was superbly excited to sit through lectures with nerrad. The Joanne who is fulfilling her duty as a daughter would say that, im proud i didn't waste my parent's money by daydreaming during lect( i am someone who cannot slp during lect..it's proven!) .

Today marks the 20th year that my best friend Nicole Phua has existed. It's the 7th birthday since we actually became friends. Nicole Phua used to hate my guts in sec 1 cos i was a goddamn irritating girl who cried too much for her liking. Aiya, i was merely a semi-perfectionist when it came to the academics so crying over my results was pretty normal to me.Well ok i know i cried over an A1 but i had my reasons for it. Can't quite rmb what it was. Too bad the motivation and spirit to study has worn off as i age,t hough i think i still suffer from mild depression syndrome over the academics. Now , Nicole Phua has grown up. Despite all the hatred she had for me, she has cumulatively received loads of blessings from me! She owes me her whole life. Literally. I've saved her sorry ass so many times she had better not let me down EVER.

It has occured to her many times just how wonderful the person typing here is . Heh. I just HAD TO tell the whorld that i am genuinely a darling to all my friends and her..EVEN THOUGH SHE USED TO HATE ME.
If you're reading this, please pay your annual protection fee to me asap.=p

Ah wells.. Happyhappy 20th bitchster. You know you'll never make it this far without my protection! =p

Posted by Joanne at 00:59 | Permalink

You scored as Abs/Stomach. You are attracted to: the abs/stomach. You are a abs/stomach guy/gurl. Abs/Stomach 75% Face 75% Butt 42% Boobs 25% Penis 17% What Body Part Are You Attracted To?(pics) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Outgoing. You outgoing and you have a very friendly personality. Outgoing 81% Nice 69% Shy 63% Fun 44% mean 0% Immature 0% Dramatic 0% what kind of person are you? (shy,outgoing,fun,mean,immature,dramatic or nice?) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Not very good... You are not a guy magnet but hey neither am I. You may be picky or just shy. Don't feel bad. I am sure you are gorgeous because believe it or not the ugliest ppl can get guys all because of their attitude and confidence. Don't be ashamed but be proud because you will soon have someone with respect for you. who knows maybe ur just too hot and intimidating :) Not very good.. 67% Guy magnet 33% Somewhat hot 33% Are you good at getting guys? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Perfect Girlfriend. You're the perfect girlfriend. You're the kind of girl that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy places (though that would be nice)Just hanging out with him is enough to make you happy Perfect Girlfriend 88% Motherly Girlfriend 69% Sensitive Girlfriend 44% Not interested Girlfriend 38% Bad Girlfriend 38% Which Kind of Girlfriend are You? created with QuizFarm.com

Posted by Joanne at 03:06 | Permalink

You scored as Philosophy. You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence. Philosophy 75% Psychology 75% Journalism 75% English 67% Dance 67% Linguistics 67% Sociology 58% Anthropology 58% Theater 58% Art 50% Engineering 50% Chemistry 42% Biology 42% Mathematics 42% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

This is SO WRONG!
Joanne+Philosophy=Disaster!
I think half the soul in me is not the Joanne I've come to know.
Perhaps i have a split personality?!?

Posted by Joanne at 02:39 | Permalink

In my darkest of nights, the brightest of stars will shine.

Will anyone volunteer to be my milky way eternally?
Many things are transient by default.
Even love is although self deception tells me it's not.
Im so delusional.

Fix me.

Exhausted.
Why does paranoia lives in me?
I get paranoid over almost every thing.
The negative energy in me is even more powerful than the girl i am.
How could this be?

Im empowered.
By the love of Christ and everyone who loves me.
Will i stop being paranoid?
Please?

Posted by Joanne at 01:48 | Permalink

Being Sesitive is good when the need calls for it.
But when it isn't, you totally screw the both of you up.
You think it's simple enough for my comprehension?
But it definitely isn't something simple to live up to.
Especially when your gf is me.

The gf has the ability to screw up just about anything.

Do you sometimes feel, I could have done better than that only to realise that i, could have?
Do you not feel like you've done ALL that you could to make things better, but what you've done worked against you?
Do you not think that, I've done my part, and it's always, "I've done my part"?

Why do i not take second considerations into how he feels?
Why do i always think that the whole world does not undstd me when it is i who do not understand the world?
Why do i want to love someone who perhaps deserve more than what i can provide?

When is love ever gona be enough?
When is it ever gona be possible for me to realise that i am a product of my own time and that i shouldn't be living in memory of someone in the past.
When can i make you know that, sometimes all you need is to speak a little softer to me.

Don't you know that every time you don't smile, the world frowns with you?
Don't you know that, all you had to do was to kiss your angel?
Don't you know that, losing you will be a nightmare i create for myself?


cos i never want you to walk out on me.
cos i never felt so strongly before.
cos you made me feel more worthy than i should.


you're both my question and my answer.

Posted by Joanne at 02:24 | Permalink

One Month.
6th January 2006

It's more than just loving you ...

Im glad my Shirt fits too.
Camel Active Rox aye?

I hope Darr feels better soon.
He's quite sick =(

Posted by Joanne at 23:20 | Permalink

The whole point is that it was my first trip overseas with Darr,making Malaysia seem more fun than usual!

Yes, Malaysia was fun! No jams when we were driving in so its cool.
Here is my sumamrised itinery of the day:

For lunch, we had the supposedly yummy kway tiao soup which i think the only yummy part was that you get to choose what to put into your noodles. The soup wasn't as good as it's suppose to be too.

Next we headed to the Hairdresser's where Darr and Shin Hui had their haircut for RM31. I have to admit he looked pretty suave after the cut but like what Pearly said, he'll look the same subsequently cos he is too lazy to style it the way it was done. Ah well, Darren Cheng is just too lazy! His hair will always look like a helmet over his head cos he is Darren Cheng!I think he's trying to impress me with the effortless good looks of jay chou. Really effortless!

Shopping at Jusco was the highlight of the day! It had its grand opening just yesterday! So we really went at the right time.Jusco is superbly huge. For Malaysian standards, its seriously quite impressive. No offence. The whole level one is international brands and boutiques. Then again, it's also quite dumb to be shopping at that level cos i can always do it at orchard road. Besides, it defeats the purpose of going to Malaysia to shop cos piracy is what we go there for yep. =)

After which we met with the relatives and his mum for dinner. It was one of those road side eateries which was how exciting for my weak stomach! Things looked alittle little dirty coupled with the muddy/wet raods owing to the rain. I shared a plate of crayfish with Darr. *drools* Im gona sound very silly but, i don't think i've eaten crayfish in my life. Pasta counted? hmmm.

Anyhow, after dinner the 4 of us just went on an illegal business.We bought more than 50 pieces of illegal PS2 games/DVDs/PC games/softwares combined! try imagining what would have become of us if we were caught la. Holiday Plaza is the place to deal with this kinda business!Pearly is even more punk than i thought,she bought ba kwa home la! Wah lau. ha.
By then, it was already nearing 10. Shin hui went for a car wash nearby, filled up her tank and we made our way to the custom.

Bidding farewell to Malaysia aroused mixed feelings in me. I was glad that we spent a happyhappy day over there but yet I don't know when i'll be back with my loverboy again.. School's hitting back =(

Posted by Joanne at 02:37 | Permalink

I received a New Year Resolution i sent to myself during the Retreat in Dec. I figured that Resolutions are seemingly promises which I'll soon find myself disappointing the soul inside me. Amazingly ironic. Why do people like me bother to make Resolutions knowing that they'll come to disappoint themselves. Then again, I've been both a living contradiction and disappointment for as long as i can remember.

Looking at my resolution for the year tt just past and my conclusion was that, resolutions cannot be fulfilled in one year. Im sonemone who needs 48hrs a day and aboout 730days a year.I cannot blame myself that i didn't keep to my words because i do not live in a world consisting me.Since I believe in second chances so here, I've got a list of not-so-new Resolution for the year ahead.

Try to Save at least 1/5th of my weekly allowance.
Try to Stop being an irritating sister/girlfriend/bimbo/daughter.
Try to pout less.
Try to make it home for dinner at least 3/7 days a week
Try to sleep by 1am during sch term.
Try to become more ecclesiastical.
Try to stop being greedy when i eat biscuits.
I NEED to become leaner..as usual.
Try to speak better mandrin.
Try to learn to like milk and dairy products.
Maintain my Rabbit diet and not be influenced by the carnivore bf.
To be constantly aware that exercise is a way of life.
Try not to expect,so that i will disappoint myself less.

Im so bored.

Posted by Joanne at 23:52 | Permalink

Ah-Moo-Ri Gi-Da-Ryu-Do Nahn-Mot-Gah
Ba-Bo-Chuh-Rum Ul-Go-It-Nuen Nuh-Eh-Guht-Eh
Sang-Chuh-Mahn Joo-Nuen Na-Rul Woi Mo-Rue-Go
Gi-Da-Ri-Ni Tuh-Nah-Gah-Rahn Mal-Ya

Bo-Go-Ship-Da Bo-Go-Ship-Da
Ih-Run Nae-Gah-Mi-Woh-Jil-Mahn-Kuem

Ul-Go-Ship-Da Neh-Geh Moo-Rup Kuhl-Go
Mo-Doo Uhp-Suht-Dun-Yil Doil-Soo-It-Dah-Myon

Mi-Chil-Dut Sa-Rang-Haet-Dun Gi-Uk-Yi
Chu-Uk Duel-Yi Nuh-Rul Chat-Go Yit-Ji-Mahn
Duh-Yi-Sang Sa-Rang Yi-Ran Byon-Myong-Eh

Nuh-Rul Gah-Dul-Soo Up-Suh
Yi-Ruh-Myon Ahn-Doi-Ji-Mahn
Jook-Ul-Mahn-Kuem Bo-Go-Ship-Da

Bo-Go-Ship-Da Bo-Go-Ship-Da
Ih-Run Nae-Gah-Mi-Woh-Jil-Mahn-Kuem

Mit-Go-Ship-Da All-Uhn Gil-Yi-Rah-Go
Nuh-Rul Wui-Hae Tuh-Nah-Ya-Mahn Han-Dah-Go
Mi-Chil-Dut Sa-Rang-Haet-Dun Gi-Uk-Yi
Chu-Uk Duel-Yi Nuh-Rul Chat-Go Yit-Ji-Mahn
Duh-Yi-Sang Sa-Rang Yi-Ran Byon-Myong-Eh
Nuh-Rul Gah-Dul-Soo Up-Suh

Yi-Ruh-Myon Ahn-Doi-Ji-Mahn
Jook-Ul-Mahn-Kuem Bo-Go-Ship-Da

Posted by Joanne at 20:28 | Permalink

The Dinner at Faber Hill Bistro.(I've finally dined atop Mount Faber!)
The Fireworks at the bay.
The night just keeping silent beside you.
I'd thought that the Countdown 05/06 which I had only happens in movies.

The chapter of my life story for 2006, is just about to begin.
It's heart warming to know , you'll be here with me.

QuickQuickQuick! Take a pen, we need to be our own journalists! =)

Posted by Joanne at 17:33 | Permalink

"I gave you this empty box,
so that i can fill it up."

Korean dramas makes love seem overly idealistic,
bringing about serious damage to idealists like myself!

"What could be so important to give up on our engagement ceremony?...
...I would rather..have liked to be your friend"

No you don't! If you were my friend, how on earth are we gona get engagged?
Korean dramas are abit stupid.The guys are simultaneously tactless and sweet!

"Friendship is forever. Love can separate but friends are forever.You can become my closest friend in the world right?"
"If we're friends, then i can call you up and see you whenever i want right?"
"If we're friends, then when im struggling, you can be by my side right?"
"If we're friends,then when you're struggling,i can help you right?"
"If we're friends, we can do everything we can't do now right?"
"If we're friends,we can accept presents right?"
"If we're friends,can i give you this ring?As a sigh of friendship?"

"What are the differences between friends and fiancee?"
"Friends put their arms around each other but you hold hands with your sweetheart."
"When you hold hands with your sweetheart,your hands don't tremble.But when you hold hands with your fiancee,your hands tremble."
"A promise with a sweetheart is more important than a promise with your friend."
"You can't take back a present given to a friend, But a gift to your fiancee can be returned..after a break up."

(girl=purple)
(guy=blue)

Crazy right? I've managed to memorise lines from the movie.I mean..paragraphs! Im a pure sucker for such things.Darroppa says he is gon ban me from Korean movies! haha. Woo~ You wont belive that i've watched episode1-5 thrice and 6-9 twice?yup. Im loving a pirate as my bf!

The upcoming trip to malaysia with Darroppa and his sis seems darrexciting!

Posted by Joanne at 03:37 | Permalink

First post of the year:

Darroppa bites.

Posted by Joanne at 03:43 | Permalink